Holy shit getting organized again feels like climbing Mount Everest.
The past couple of years have been taxing, to say the least. Ending a relationship, being Dx Autistic, moving, quitting jobs, moving cities, moving back, repairing relationships, losing my 19 yr old cat, doing therapy, reading books, trying to figure out life...
It is apparent to me now that I hit full autistic burnout. I can't say exactly when it happened, only that it did, and I am still figuring out where I am in that process.
I used to always be the one who had my shit together, that others could count on, that always remembered the important stuff. I don't even recognize that person as myself anymore. I am still trying, but my mind and my body do not work they way they did before, and it is frustrating and upsetting. I already had a faulty body from the various chronic illnesses, and now it feels like my mind no longer works properly either. That is terrifying to me.
There is so much I am interested in, and so many things I want to do, and I have always had a very hard time sitting still. But some days, I cannot get my body or my mind (depending which is the bigger problem that particular day) to cooperate. I have to-do lists and spreadsheets, and all the rest, but it feels like there is never enough time.
The thought of letting anyone else down still fills me with dread, but these days, I feel like I am focusing more on not letting myself down. On practicing self compassion. On letting myself rest when I need to, anf knowing the difference between when I legitimately need rest, and when I am just being a lazy shit.
