An Open Letter to Glennon, Abby, and sister

 This; this is an open letter to 3 women I have never met, who have changed my GD life...

Dear Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle, 

Do the three of you even know how special you are? I feel like you do not, and so, I will try to tell you. 

I want to start this letter by telling you, that I HATE podcasts. Never liked them. I found them obnoxious, salesy, they weren't about anything, or just too much noise with everyone talking over one another all the time. My partner would play them in the car on the way to the cottage... full of men laughing, talking about sportsing, making gross jokes. 

But then,  someone recommended yours to me. It took me a loooong time to even bother to listen to one episode. As soon as I heard your beautiful voices, and felt the love that you have for each other, and the pod squad, I was hooked. 

I have recently gone back to the very beginning, and am listening to each one, in order, until now. 

So often the episode I will be listening to (often while I walk around the dog park, noise cancelling headphones on, hoping no one will talk to me and ask what breed my decidedly strange looking dog is... Lucy is an Aussie Chihuahua cross for anyone dying to know) will correspond so perfectly with what is going on with my life, or other content I am consuming. (I just re-listened to the episode about friendship where you discuss people having different requirements for amount of time spend doing social things, while reading a chapter in the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain talking about studies done showing introverted people are more sensitive to stimuli. I am currently in a phase of life where I am being very mindful of what my body needs and how to be less productive, in favour of rest and activities that recharge me.)

The insightful things the three of you say often help me to see things from a different perspective that allows for more self-compassion, and more than once when I have been in a very dark headspace I have turned to your podcast to feel less alone. 

I see so much of myself in both Glennon and Amanda; Glennon's dreamy sensitive creativity, and Amanda's type A, organized drive to be productive and efficient... and Abby! My God Abby. All I want in life, if I have nothing else at all, is for someone to love me the way Abby loves Glennon. 
(I may have said as much to my partner, and then keep sending him episodes of the podcast like a little road map of how to love me... Oh, but I did also make him an instruction manual for Christmas)

Abby, when I listen to the way you talk to and about Glennon on the show, it's like I can feel your love for her spilling out over the radio waves (interwebzes?) and onto me as well. You see her. Who she is, not the mask we each wear for everyone else, and you love her even more because of it. I think that is so beautiful. 

Glennon, you have taught me (the first born, "good kid", holder togetherer of all the things and all the people), that I have value just for existing. I honestly had no concept of that before you. I need you to know, that you, who you are and how you show up in this world, has SAVED ME, (and likely thousands of other people). The way you speak, and the words you choose, and that way you show up, and the integrity you have... it's inspiring. 

Amanda, the way you always find the answers, in the research and the studies, and then find the MOST insightful ways to apply it to your life just tickles my brain in all the right ways. The way you acknowledge the traits or tendencies that hold you back, then hold space for them and find ways to do better and grow as a person is awe inspiring. 

Thank you all for doing hard things, and for making We Can Do Hard Things

Autistic Burnout

 Holy shit getting organized again feels like climbing Mount Everest. 

The past couple of years have been taxing, to say the least. Ending a relationship, being Dx Autistic, moving, quitting jobs, moving cities, moving back, repairing relationships, losing my 19 yr old cat, doing therapy, reading books, trying to figure out life...

It is apparent to me now that I hit full autistic burnout. I can't say exactly when it happened, only that it did, and I am still figuring out where I am in that process. 

I used to always be the one who had my shit together, that others could count on, that always remembered the important stuff. I don't even recognize that person as myself anymore. I am still trying, but my mind and my body do not work they way they did before, and it is frustrating and upsetting. I already had a faulty body from the various chronic illnesses, and now it feels like my mind no longer works properly either. That is terrifying to me. 

There is so much I am interested in, and so many things I want to do, and I have always had a very hard time sitting still. But some days, I cannot get my body or my mind (depending which is the bigger problem that particular day) to cooperate. I have to-do lists and spreadsheets, and all the rest, but it feels like there is never enough time. 

The thought of letting anyone else down still fills me with dread, but these days, I feel like I am focusing more on not letting myself down. On practicing self compassion. On letting myself rest when I need to, anf knowing the difference between when I legitimately need rest, and when I am just being a lazy shit. 

Autumn feels

Summer is fading into autumn. I’ve been thinking a lot about the “letting go” feeling that comes with fall. 

All my big “new adventures” seem to take place around September, but moves and new jobs etc.

I think the leaves falling (and doing so with such spirit and beauty) reminds us that it’s ok to let go of the things that no longer serve us. That we can appreciate the beauty and the memories but that we don’t have to hold on to something just because it was in our lives in the first place. 

Our lives have seasons too; of change, loss, growth, rebirth, and it’s ok to stop holding on to things/people/places that no longer serve us. 

So let go of something today, the idea that you aren’t good enough, an obligation that feels like guilt, those jeans in the back of your closet you know will never fit.

What was it? And how do you feel now? 

New city, who dis?

 In trying to simplify my online life, I recalled this long-neglected blog. 

I figured maybe I would dust it off, and use it to recount my adventures in Haliburton. 

Serenity is here to go to school at Flemming, for fibre arts and glass blowing, and I tagged along to watch the kids. 

It was difficult to make this leap with no safety net, and no idea of what is next for me when this is over. The city is so beautiful, and the people so friendly. The boys are having a bit of trouble adjusting, but seem overall quite happy. Harrison had his cast off on Monday, and took the week to get used to walking again, and will be in school starting tomorrow (Thank goodness, cos this Auntie is TIRED).

I haven't had too much time to explore the forest yet, because of H's limited mobility, but I am looking forward to doing that this coming week. I got some kind of Geocashing app for me and E to use for adventures, so if anyone has any tips for that, please hit me up. <3

Time has wings

Time passes, almost without me noticing, until I look back, and realize I am a completely different person.

I see the old me, standing there, looking around. New me wonders where all the versions between this one that that are hiding. There are many.

Life changes, but also it doesn't. The important things remain the same. The things that don't, bring lessons, many of which are hard to learn. We keep going anyway, because what other choice do we have?

The new me thanks the old me, and moves forward. 

It's been a while...

As always, it's been awhile since I've had much to say, or maybe just since I had time to say it.
Life has been an interesting journey, lots of bumps, but tons of fields of flowers as well.
I really do wish I had more time to write, and I could say I will make time, but I would be lying.
Instead of complaining that I don't write, I'm just going to post things when I do have time, and let you worry about the space in between.

Sometimes the most inspiring thing you can say to a person, is actually to say nothing at all.
Or even to refuse to speak.
I had an issue recently that reminded me that being understanding and accommodating is not always the best way to go about something.
People are so used to everyone around them being complacent, not making a fuss, and never expressing displeasure or annoyance. Sometimes it is a huge dose of reality to tell someone "no, this is NOT ok" instead of the "It's fine" that everyone is so used to.
ROCK THE BOAT!
CAUSE A FUSS!!
MAKE A SCENE!!!

I had let myself become trapped in a world where I wanted everyone around me to be happy and healthy and ok, that I was putting my needs aside, or went out of my way to help people who clearly didn't want my help,
or at least who my help would not be enough for...
ENOUGH of that!
It's time for a stronger, wiser, tougher me.
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I've been toying with the idea of doing a video blog, because believe it or not, I have stage fright.
I had to record a video presentation for my business communications class, and started over 5 or 6 times, with plenty of "fuck, I'm an idoit!"s thrown in for good measure...
I was shaking and sweating, and it was just a camera in my own house!
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The smell of you,
on a sweater,
when you're at work.

The way your
stubbly cheek feels
against mine.

The way even a dirty bowl
left on the counter
makes me smile and think of you.

The way you hold me
when I cry.
And when I laugh.

Calling me from
another room and forgetting
what you had to say.

Always waking up
snuggled
on your side of the bed.

Knowing
that you are
mine forever.

When you can't think of what to write, start with a sentence. Any sentence.
I am trying to be happy in a world that doesn't make much sense.
I can't seem to get a grip on what I need to do first to make things happen for myself.
I often feel isolated, and the one thing that keeps me close to the few friends I have here is also taking up a lot of time, and causing me some stress.
I'm told I complain a lot, and make the people around me feel like they aren't important.
I'm not sure how I became so horrible to them....
It just makes me feel worse to know the people i care about see me as such a monster...