Tom Robbins

So I have been reading a LOT of Tom Robbins lately, something about the way he weaves the most random words together to create these amazingly complex yet amazingly simple images and ideas just gets to me.

The past few of his books I have read were from the library, so sadly, they have to go back, but the last one I finished, "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates" was pretty intense, and I wrote down a few of the things that really struck me:

He owed much of his greatness as an artist, and as a man to the fact that he was simultaneously epicurean and pious, hedonistic and devout, that he made little or no distinction between his lobe of wine, women and song, and his love of God.

I think for a long time I have struggled with the duality of my nature, and am still very much struggling with it. Both the painter referred to in this passage, and the main character in the book, Switters, seem to be at one with their internal contradictions.

You are a complicated man, but happily complicated. You have found a way to be at home with the world's confusion, a way to embrace the chaos, rather that struggle to reduce it or become it's victim. It's all part of the game to you, and you are happy to play.

I don't think I am anywhere near this point in my struggle to reconcile the two sides of myself. Perhaps the point is that no one ever actually blends their sides into one, perhaps humans just accept their dual natures and learn to live with the fact that we are good and evil at the same time, all the time.

The Devil doesn't make us do anything. The Devil, for example, doesn't make us mean. Rather, when we are mean, we make the Devil. Literally. Our actions create him. Conversely, when we behave with compassion, generosity and grace, we create God in the world.

I feel that I am a kind and good person, though there are things about the old me that would make some truly "good" people cringe. I am, by nature, very epicurean and hedonistic, and, let's admit it, demanding. But as I am learning more about relationships (of all kinds), and what I want out of life, I am realizing that the things I want are not always the things I need. (Yes, Mom... you heard me!)

My inner fratboy has been yelling at me that there are certain things it wants that I have not been focusing on, because I have been focusing more on the pursuit of self, and love, than of nookie. 

Sex and emotion often get too closely tied to each other. People assume they love the people they fuck, and they assume they should fuck the people they love. Neither of those is always the case. If you can fall in love with someone without having sex with them, then you know you love them, and that it's not infatuation or lust.

Our society has such an infatuation with passion and intense love, the focus has been shifted away from the sort of lasting love our grandparents and great grandparents had, and in some cases still have. I used to think the divorce rate is higher now than ever because it has become more socially acceptable to get divorced. Working in the funeral home all the time I see older couples still together, or a husband mourning his wife, and I realized that pervious generations understood the value of friendship in a marriage, and trying through the toughest conditions, war, poverty etc, to truly love each other and be the best spouse they could be instead of always looking for the next person or thing to whisk them away from reality into the hollywood world of love. Passion is great while it lasts, but too many relationships are based only on that, and once it's gone, it leaves behind nothing but a sour, empty taste, or perhaps some fond memories of crazy nights.

I want the kind of love that lasts forever, and I am willing to wait forever to find it.

oh my

I wrote this today at work, it's the first poem (?) I've written in years, I'm not even sure if it is a poem, it might be a song... anyways, I don't know if it's any good or not, so don't be too harsh with the criticism. 

Here goes:

Your fingertips graze my skin, leaving trails of fire behind. A smile plays at the corners of your mouth and my heart can't help but jump. You kiss my cheek and your ocean eyes sparkle with mystery and mischief. My breath gets caught in my throat, but you catch it and give it back to me, with a kiss like rain, which falls outside, the sun still shining. You are my sunshower.

We sit on my porch wrapped in an old blanket, looking at the stars. You say you hate the city and I couldn't agree more. You wrap your arms tighter around me, I try to breathe you in. We both look up at the sky and wish upon a star, my wish is to spend every night like this, you wink but won't tell me yours. You are my starry night.

We wake up slowly, stretch and yawn, the lazy sun peeks through the window. The birds chirp kind encouragement to the world to wake up. Your hair is a mess, I have sleep in my eyes. We snuggle back, in no rush to get out of bed. You kiss my nose, and I get up, still in your old shirt, to make you breakfast in bed. You are my sunday morning.

random bits

So I have been writing random small bits of thought while I'm at work these past couple weeks and trying to organize it into one rant may not work, so if todays postings are choppy, that is why.

Some of what I have been doing is writing down song lyrics that catch my ear to try to analyze them or figure out what they mean to me, and how they relate to life right now, 

so I will address those first.

The first is a song quote that I posted on my msn name, and had to take down due to some confusion... it is actually a quote from christian band Jars of Clay, and NOT a quote about bondage. (I had 5-6 people say "Sweet you are into BDSM now?!)  :s

"I've got to admit I love these chains, and crawling around this cage sometimes has it's advantages"  

this is something that caught my ear the first times I heard this song years and year and years ago, back in grade 9 or so, and I didn't exactly know why then either.

Something about how simple and true it is struck me I guess.

Life right now seems very complicated, but it comes down to it, it's not. yes there is problems, tons of them, but people would rather complain about them than do anything to fix them, (this is one of my other rants, so I guess my thoughts are more interconnected than I assumed at the beginning of this post)  Complaining has become the north american bonding agent. No one starts a conversation with strangers by commenting on what a beautiful day it is, they complain about lines, or interest rates or gas prices. Society today LOVES to be miserable, because it is easier than trying to fix things, or even trying to be happy despite the way things are going. 

Society's hold on people, the feeling of relinquished freedom gives people the false security of not having to fix problems or make decisions for themselves. They love the chains that tie them to the rest of society so they don't feel alone, and they love the cage the world keeps them in because they don't have to assume responsibility for any of the current issues with the economy or the environment or anything else for that matter.

Another quote that stuck in my mind was from a song called "you can do better" by Death Cab for Cutie.

"my old clothes don't fit like they once did, so they hang like ghosts of the people I've been"

This struck a note with me, because this past year, the person I am has changed very drastically, and this is quite literally happening to me. Not only do I need all new pants, (thanks raw food :p) but the old me does feel like a ghost to the new me. Sometimes a story will come up from the past, and even when it's me telling it, it doesn't feel like a story about me. It always seems more like a movie I saw or a book I read. There are certain things I have done or said, that when I think about them now I can't believe it ever happened.... things like amateur night, or how I used to say rude things just to shock people.  Essentially who I am hasn't changed, but a lot about me has. It's very hard to describe, but I think people who know me well and have stuck with me this past year will have noticed, I know my family has.

well this was quite the long post, so I will do some more later :)