An Open Letter to Glennon, Abby, and sister

 This; this is an open letter to 3 women I have never met, who have changed my GD life...

Dear Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle, 

Do the three of you even know how special you are? I feel like you do not, and so, I will try to tell you. 

I want to start this letter by telling you, that I HATE podcasts. Never liked them. I found them obnoxious, salesy, they weren't about anything, or just too much noise with everyone talking over one another all the time. My partner would play them in the car on the way to the cottage... full of men laughing, talking about sportsing, making gross jokes. 

But then,  someone recommended yours to me. It took me a loooong time to even bother to listen to one episode. As soon as I heard your beautiful voices, and felt the love that you have for each other, and the pod squad, I was hooked. 

I have recently gone back to the very beginning, and am listening to each one, in order, until now. 

So often the episode I will be listening to (often while I walk around the dog park, noise cancelling headphones on, hoping no one will talk to me and ask what breed my decidedly strange looking dog is... Lucy is an Aussie Chihuahua cross for anyone dying to know) will correspond so perfectly with what is going on with my life, or other content I am consuming. (I just re-listened to the episode about friendship where you discuss people having different requirements for amount of time spend doing social things, while reading a chapter in the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain talking about studies done showing introverted people are more sensitive to stimuli. I am currently in a phase of life where I am being very mindful of what my body needs and how to be less productive, in favour of rest and activities that recharge me.)

The insightful things the three of you say often help me to see things from a different perspective that allows for more self-compassion, and more than once when I have been in a very dark headspace I have turned to your podcast to feel less alone. 

I see so much of myself in both Glennon and Amanda; Glennon's dreamy sensitive creativity, and Amanda's type A, organized drive to be productive and efficient... and Abby! My God Abby. All I want in life, if I have nothing else at all, is for someone to love me the way Abby loves Glennon. 
(I may have said as much to my partner, and then keep sending him episodes of the podcast like a little road map of how to love me... Oh, but I did also make him an instruction manual for Christmas)

Abby, when I listen to the way you talk to and about Glennon on the show, it's like I can feel your love for her spilling out over the radio waves (interwebzes?) and onto me as well. You see her. Who she is, not the mask we each wear for everyone else, and you love her even more because of it. I think that is so beautiful. 

Glennon, you have taught me (the first born, "good kid", holder togetherer of all the things and all the people), that I have value just for existing. I honestly had no concept of that before you. I need you to know, that you, who you are and how you show up in this world, has SAVED ME, (and likely thousands of other people). The way you speak, and the words you choose, and that way you show up, and the integrity you have... it's inspiring. 

Amanda, the way you always find the answers, in the research and the studies, and then find the MOST insightful ways to apply it to your life just tickles my brain in all the right ways. The way you acknowledge the traits or tendencies that hold you back, then hold space for them and find ways to do better and grow as a person is awe inspiring. 

Thank you all for doing hard things, and for making We Can Do Hard Things

Autistic Burnout

 Holy shit getting organized again feels like climbing Mount Everest. 

The past couple of years have been taxing, to say the least. Ending a relationship, being Dx Autistic, moving, quitting jobs, moving cities, moving back, repairing relationships, losing my 19 yr old cat, doing therapy, reading books, trying to figure out life...

It is apparent to me now that I hit full autistic burnout. I can't say exactly when it happened, only that it did, and I am still figuring out where I am in that process. 

I used to always be the one who had my shit together, that others could count on, that always remembered the important stuff. I don't even recognize that person as myself anymore. I am still trying, but my mind and my body do not work they way they did before, and it is frustrating and upsetting. I already had a faulty body from the various chronic illnesses, and now it feels like my mind no longer works properly either. That is terrifying to me. 

There is so much I am interested in, and so many things I want to do, and I have always had a very hard time sitting still. But some days, I cannot get my body or my mind (depending which is the bigger problem that particular day) to cooperate. I have to-do lists and spreadsheets, and all the rest, but it feels like there is never enough time. 

The thought of letting anyone else down still fills me with dread, but these days, I feel like I am focusing more on not letting myself down. On practicing self compassion. On letting myself rest when I need to, anf knowing the difference between when I legitimately need rest, and when I am just being a lazy shit. 

Autumn feels

Summer is fading into autumn. I’ve been thinking a lot about the “letting go” feeling that comes with fall. 

All my big “new adventures” seem to take place around September, but moves and new jobs etc.

I think the leaves falling (and doing so with such spirit and beauty) reminds us that it’s ok to let go of the things that no longer serve us. That we can appreciate the beauty and the memories but that we don’t have to hold on to something just because it was in our lives in the first place. 

Our lives have seasons too; of change, loss, growth, rebirth, and it’s ok to stop holding on to things/people/places that no longer serve us. 

So let go of something today, the idea that you aren’t good enough, an obligation that feels like guilt, those jeans in the back of your closet you know will never fit.

What was it? And how do you feel now? 

New city, who dis?

 In trying to simplify my online life, I recalled this long-neglected blog. 

I figured maybe I would dust it off, and use it to recount my adventures in Haliburton. 

Serenity is here to go to school at Flemming, for fibre arts and glass blowing, and I tagged along to watch the kids. 

It was difficult to make this leap with no safety net, and no idea of what is next for me when this is over. The city is so beautiful, and the people so friendly. The boys are having a bit of trouble adjusting, but seem overall quite happy. Harrison had his cast off on Monday, and took the week to get used to walking again, and will be in school starting tomorrow (Thank goodness, cos this Auntie is TIRED).

I haven't had too much time to explore the forest yet, because of H's limited mobility, but I am looking forward to doing that this coming week. I got some kind of Geocashing app for me and E to use for adventures, so if anyone has any tips for that, please hit me up. <3

Time has wings

Time passes, almost without me noticing, until I look back, and realize I am a completely different person.

I see the old me, standing there, looking around. New me wonders where all the versions between this one that that are hiding. There are many.

Life changes, but also it doesn't. The important things remain the same. The things that don't, bring lessons, many of which are hard to learn. We keep going anyway, because what other choice do we have?

The new me thanks the old me, and moves forward. 

It's been a while...

As always, it's been awhile since I've had much to say, or maybe just since I had time to say it.
Life has been an interesting journey, lots of bumps, but tons of fields of flowers as well.
I really do wish I had more time to write, and I could say I will make time, but I would be lying.
Instead of complaining that I don't write, I'm just going to post things when I do have time, and let you worry about the space in between.

Sometimes the most inspiring thing you can say to a person, is actually to say nothing at all.
Or even to refuse to speak.
I had an issue recently that reminded me that being understanding and accommodating is not always the best way to go about something.
People are so used to everyone around them being complacent, not making a fuss, and never expressing displeasure or annoyance. Sometimes it is a huge dose of reality to tell someone "no, this is NOT ok" instead of the "It's fine" that everyone is so used to.
ROCK THE BOAT!
CAUSE A FUSS!!
MAKE A SCENE!!!

I had let myself become trapped in a world where I wanted everyone around me to be happy and healthy and ok, that I was putting my needs aside, or went out of my way to help people who clearly didn't want my help,
or at least who my help would not be enough for...
ENOUGH of that!
It's time for a stronger, wiser, tougher me.
_________________________________________________________________

I've been toying with the idea of doing a video blog, because believe it or not, I have stage fright.
I had to record a video presentation for my business communications class, and started over 5 or 6 times, with plenty of "fuck, I'm an idoit!"s thrown in for good measure...
I was shaking and sweating, and it was just a camera in my own house!
_________________________________________________________________


The smell of you,
on a sweater,
when you're at work.

The way your
stubbly cheek feels
against mine.

The way even a dirty bowl
left on the counter
makes me smile and think of you.

The way you hold me
when I cry.
And when I laugh.

Calling me from
another room and forgetting
what you had to say.

Always waking up
snuggled
on your side of the bed.

Knowing
that you are
mine forever.

When you can't think of what to write, start with a sentence. Any sentence.
I am trying to be happy in a world that doesn't make much sense.
I can't seem to get a grip on what I need to do first to make things happen for myself.
I often feel isolated, and the one thing that keeps me close to the few friends I have here is also taking up a lot of time, and causing me some stress.
I'm told I complain a lot, and make the people around me feel like they aren't important.
I'm not sure how I became so horrible to them....
It just makes me feel worse to know the people i care about see me as such a monster...

Poem

In the climate control, 

The smoke and notes twirl, 

Mixing about in colour and mist, 

The window cracks,

The breeze, and a new less intoxicating smoke

Slide their boney fingers through the crack

Poking holes in the swirls of colour

And dancing notes.

Stroking my leg,

Weaving it's fingers through my hair, 

Around my face, 

Tracing my features with it's wispy curls.

The window slowly slides up,

Pushing the cold wisps out, 

Their cool claws one last time at my face and hair,

They grip desperately to my lap, 

Then are gone,

And I find myself missing the cold comfort they bring

Almost New Years

So I realize I haven't written in a while, holidays get busy and time is a rare commodity. Especially since I made all the gifts for my friends and family this year.

I was sick of the way everyone rushes to the mall to buy tons of things for people who don't need them, and in the process get all bent out of shape and grumpy because there are too many other people in the malls doing the exact same thing. I wanted to go back to a time where Christmas meant something and wasn't just an excuse to spend money. 

My family still spoiled me and bought a lot of things I don't need, but I know their heart was in it and they put thought into whether or not these were things I actually would like, all of which were.  I did get some very nice things, Dad got my a juicer which I don't think will even get turned off anytime soon, and I've been making all sorts of crazy juices! Mom got me an opal necklace I've been eyeing for some time to go with the ring I bought myself with my tax return.

Whiskey, the new pup I got about a month ago, and don't think I've yet written about, had a wonderful Christmas as well. Mom got him a little camo sweater, so all day he wore it and talked about how he was going to bust out his nine. :P (actually we were talking about how he was going to do that.)

Mom had a friend from BC come and stay with her over the holidays, and I was worried about how that was going to affect the dynamic of the Dainton girls, especially with all the recent stress that's been going on, Gerry leaving, Sera's stomach issues, the new pup, but everything turned out a hundred times better than I could have imagined and everyone had a wonderful Christmas, with the exception of Sera laying on the couch in agony for half of it.

I have been very stressed and worried lately for a number of reasons, mostly involving my family. Sera has not been well, and is planning to go to BC to live on a hippie farm. Mom has been unhappy and is planning to go to BC because my grandmother is there... where does that leave me? .... obviously at some point, moving to BC as well... My home has always been where my family is, which is why I have never moved away from London for school or anything else.

I enjoy my job at Novack's, but it being a small company there is really nowhere to go. The benefits are expensive, there is no possibility to transfer or for promotions. It's not a place I can see myself at forever. I would love for my business to take off, but the chances of that happening to the degree it needs to for me to quit the other jobs, is unlikely with how much I'm working the other jobs! I have been thinking more and more about other jobs I think I would like, and be good at, and I have decided that I would certainly not mind being an english teacher. So I think the plan is to go to school in BC, where I can live with mom, (hopefully rent free) for an english BA and then teachers college. 

It's a scary thought, moving halfway across the country to a place I've never been, but it's just as scary to think of being here without my mom and sister. Life has been such a constant thing for me so far, and tho thinks have certainly changed a lot, they have been mostly gradual changes, so maybe it's time I shake things up a bit.

On another note, I have told my lovely friends Luke and Steph that I would help them plan their vegan, ego-friendly wedding, so that has been exciting for me, coming up with ideas to make their wedding fantastic.  (more on this to come later I'm sure)

Well, time to get ready for work now, more soon I promise!

all grown up and not much has changed.

So it seems to me, that it doesn't matter how old you are, when your parents split up you still wonder if it was somehow your fault...

Gerry left my mom last week, while she was at work. He left her a note that didn't say much, and he called me to tell me before he told her.

I realize this all sounds a bit familiar, but which is a big part of why I wonder if it was my fault.

I don't know if I should be posting about this, but I am still very confused and upset.

The past year I have re-built my idea of what a healthy relationship is, on Gerry and my mom.

I had no idea anything was wrong, I guess they had a few talks where he told her not to keep her feelings in. I don't know what he was doing then, cos it would seem to me he was keeping something in.

I have a lot more feelings about this, but they aren't sorted out yet, so I supposed I will finish later.

Tom Robbins

So I have been reading a LOT of Tom Robbins lately, something about the way he weaves the most random words together to create these amazingly complex yet amazingly simple images and ideas just gets to me.

The past few of his books I have read were from the library, so sadly, they have to go back, but the last one I finished, "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates" was pretty intense, and I wrote down a few of the things that really struck me:

He owed much of his greatness as an artist, and as a man to the fact that he was simultaneously epicurean and pious, hedonistic and devout, that he made little or no distinction between his lobe of wine, women and song, and his love of God.

I think for a long time I have struggled with the duality of my nature, and am still very much struggling with it. Both the painter referred to in this passage, and the main character in the book, Switters, seem to be at one with their internal contradictions.

You are a complicated man, but happily complicated. You have found a way to be at home with the world's confusion, a way to embrace the chaos, rather that struggle to reduce it or become it's victim. It's all part of the game to you, and you are happy to play.

I don't think I am anywhere near this point in my struggle to reconcile the two sides of myself. Perhaps the point is that no one ever actually blends their sides into one, perhaps humans just accept their dual natures and learn to live with the fact that we are good and evil at the same time, all the time.

The Devil doesn't make us do anything. The Devil, for example, doesn't make us mean. Rather, when we are mean, we make the Devil. Literally. Our actions create him. Conversely, when we behave with compassion, generosity and grace, we create God in the world.

I feel that I am a kind and good person, though there are things about the old me that would make some truly "good" people cringe. I am, by nature, very epicurean and hedonistic, and, let's admit it, demanding. But as I am learning more about relationships (of all kinds), and what I want out of life, I am realizing that the things I want are not always the things I need. (Yes, Mom... you heard me!)

My inner fratboy has been yelling at me that there are certain things it wants that I have not been focusing on, because I have been focusing more on the pursuit of self, and love, than of nookie. 

Sex and emotion often get too closely tied to each other. People assume they love the people they fuck, and they assume they should fuck the people they love. Neither of those is always the case. If you can fall in love with someone without having sex with them, then you know you love them, and that it's not infatuation or lust.

Our society has such an infatuation with passion and intense love, the focus has been shifted away from the sort of lasting love our grandparents and great grandparents had, and in some cases still have. I used to think the divorce rate is higher now than ever because it has become more socially acceptable to get divorced. Working in the funeral home all the time I see older couples still together, or a husband mourning his wife, and I realized that pervious generations understood the value of friendship in a marriage, and trying through the toughest conditions, war, poverty etc, to truly love each other and be the best spouse they could be instead of always looking for the next person or thing to whisk them away from reality into the hollywood world of love. Passion is great while it lasts, but too many relationships are based only on that, and once it's gone, it leaves behind nothing but a sour, empty taste, or perhaps some fond memories of crazy nights.

I want the kind of love that lasts forever, and I am willing to wait forever to find it.

oh my

I wrote this today at work, it's the first poem (?) I've written in years, I'm not even sure if it is a poem, it might be a song... anyways, I don't know if it's any good or not, so don't be too harsh with the criticism. 

Here goes:

Your fingertips graze my skin, leaving trails of fire behind. A smile plays at the corners of your mouth and my heart can't help but jump. You kiss my cheek and your ocean eyes sparkle with mystery and mischief. My breath gets caught in my throat, but you catch it and give it back to me, with a kiss like rain, which falls outside, the sun still shining. You are my sunshower.

We sit on my porch wrapped in an old blanket, looking at the stars. You say you hate the city and I couldn't agree more. You wrap your arms tighter around me, I try to breathe you in. We both look up at the sky and wish upon a star, my wish is to spend every night like this, you wink but won't tell me yours. You are my starry night.

We wake up slowly, stretch and yawn, the lazy sun peeks through the window. The birds chirp kind encouragement to the world to wake up. Your hair is a mess, I have sleep in my eyes. We snuggle back, in no rush to get out of bed. You kiss my nose, and I get up, still in your old shirt, to make you breakfast in bed. You are my sunday morning.

random bits

So I have been writing random small bits of thought while I'm at work these past couple weeks and trying to organize it into one rant may not work, so if todays postings are choppy, that is why.

Some of what I have been doing is writing down song lyrics that catch my ear to try to analyze them or figure out what they mean to me, and how they relate to life right now, 

so I will address those first.

The first is a song quote that I posted on my msn name, and had to take down due to some confusion... it is actually a quote from christian band Jars of Clay, and NOT a quote about bondage. (I had 5-6 people say "Sweet you are into BDSM now?!)  :s

"I've got to admit I love these chains, and crawling around this cage sometimes has it's advantages"  

this is something that caught my ear the first times I heard this song years and year and years ago, back in grade 9 or so, and I didn't exactly know why then either.

Something about how simple and true it is struck me I guess.

Life right now seems very complicated, but it comes down to it, it's not. yes there is problems, tons of them, but people would rather complain about them than do anything to fix them, (this is one of my other rants, so I guess my thoughts are more interconnected than I assumed at the beginning of this post)  Complaining has become the north american bonding agent. No one starts a conversation with strangers by commenting on what a beautiful day it is, they complain about lines, or interest rates or gas prices. Society today LOVES to be miserable, because it is easier than trying to fix things, or even trying to be happy despite the way things are going. 

Society's hold on people, the feeling of relinquished freedom gives people the false security of not having to fix problems or make decisions for themselves. They love the chains that tie them to the rest of society so they don't feel alone, and they love the cage the world keeps them in because they don't have to assume responsibility for any of the current issues with the economy or the environment or anything else for that matter.

Another quote that stuck in my mind was from a song called "you can do better" by Death Cab for Cutie.

"my old clothes don't fit like they once did, so they hang like ghosts of the people I've been"

This struck a note with me, because this past year, the person I am has changed very drastically, and this is quite literally happening to me. Not only do I need all new pants, (thanks raw food :p) but the old me does feel like a ghost to the new me. Sometimes a story will come up from the past, and even when it's me telling it, it doesn't feel like a story about me. It always seems more like a movie I saw or a book I read. There are certain things I have done or said, that when I think about them now I can't believe it ever happened.... things like amateur night, or how I used to say rude things just to shock people.  Essentially who I am hasn't changed, but a lot about me has. It's very hard to describe, but I think people who know me well and have stuck with me this past year will have noticed, I know my family has.

well this was quite the long post, so I will do some more later :)

wtf, disgusting city

so I was walking home from work today, and rediscovered how disgusting this city really is.

I walked past so much garbage, and quite a few questionable people.  

One was a fat lady on a motor scooter with no shoes on, who threw her cigarette butt on the ground just in front of me as we crossed paths.

I don't understand why no one cares anymore about the city they live in.

When I was little I thought London was a fantastic place to live, and I wonder if when I have kids they are going to feel the same way...?

Is it just London, or the whole of North America that is going to shit?

the very first time

alright, so first blog entry!

i dont have a lot of free time usually so someone might have to kick my ass to keep on this.

i have been changing so rapidly as a person it's hard even for myself to keep up.

i would like this to be a place for me, and everyone else to reflect on life changes, philosophy and other mindblowing stuff thats going on in the world around us without us noticing!!

im going to post something i wrote at work one day, and posted as a facebook note:

Seeing people at their best, and also most vulnerable has changed my outlook on life.

People spend so much time worrying what other people think of them instead of just trying every day to be the best and most loving person they can be.

Life is too short for grudges and feuds. I have learned to see the good in people I would have never chosen to be around before. People some would find annoying or too intense, people some would consider too dull or stupid, and all kinds of other people. I'm starting to be able to look at people, acknowledge the "flaws" but look past them to see the person they really are and what they have to offer. I'm beginning to be more patient with myself too, and able to see good qualities in myself, and ones I'd like to work on. I'm not so bold, or brazen as I used to be, and often feel shy and awkward. It's like I'm growing up, but properly this time, and unimpeded. I wouldn't change the choices I've made or the way my life has gone, because it's made me the woman I am today, and oh what a ride my life has been! I'm falling in love with this new woman I'm becoming, and I feel such a sense of purpose in my life. I have so many people to thank!

The universe knows it's "go-time" and it's dragging me right along with it. The world is changing and things are happening and I can feel it! :)

I'm hoping that the universe, and all the wonderful people in my life can see the stronger person I've started to become, and that maybe I can inspire a person or two to take a closer look at who they are, and who they want to be. 

Thank you to everyone who has made a difference in my life, and everyone who has ever loved me, even if only for a single moment!

-Dawn